Computer Sprite
by HollyHop
Summary: Rimmer seems strangely distracted lately. When he doesn't turn up for his shift in the cockpit, Lister decides to find out what the smeg he's up to. Rimmer/Lister.
1. Chapter 1

Set in the weeks after "Gunmen of the apocalypse"

Computer sprite

"Where the smeg is Rimmer?" Lister was trying to hold Starbug steady but the steering wheel was bucking underneath his hands. The ion storm outside was shaking them around like a rattle. Unlike a rattle, though, Starbug did nothing to pacify its fury. Cat was in the driver's seat next to him, with his hair in disarray and a look of panic on his face.

"Kryten!" Lister shouted over the din. "Where the smeg is Rimmer? Tell 'im to get up to the bridge pronto." Now Starbug did a full twirl, much like a fat ballerina.

"I think he may have said something earlier about having to catalogue some food supplies on the cargo deck." Kryten shouted back at him. He was busy holding onto the console in front of him with one hand and frantically pressing the switches for the manual stabiliser thrusters with the other. Then, as quickly as it had begun, it was over. They had passed through the tail end of the storm, not getting the full blast in the face, but enough to make them all feel thoroughly chewed and then spat out onto the pavement.

Cat immediately raced off to redo his hair. Lister slowly turned around to Kryten. They looked at each other relieved. This could have been much worse. But where the hell was Rimmer?

"Listen, Kryts, I'm gonna check if he's okay, alright?" Lister got up a bit wearily. He wasn't really keen on going down to the cargo deck, to find Rimmer cowering behind a crate of mushy peas. He just wished that man would have a bit more bravery in his bones. Not that he was himself, but at least he didn't wet himself at the first sign of trouble. Lister heaved another deep sigh and then made his way down to the storage rooms. He checked each hold, shouting out Rimmer's name, but couldn't find him anywhere. Slowly he was beginning to get a bit worried. Was Rimmer injured and unable to respond? Should he check again? He decided not to get overly concerned and returned to their quarters after twenty minutes of fruitless searching. Rimmer was sitting at the table reading a book and drinking coffee. Surprised, Lister stopped in the doorway.

"Where the smeg 'ave you bin, man?" He had just wasted twenty minutes looking for Rimmer and getting all worked up, when he could have had a lager and watched some TV.

"What do you mean? I was here all the time." Rimmer didn't look up, but flipped another page in his book.

"All the time?" This sounded unlikely, especially since Rimmer was usually the one harping on about red alerts and suchlike. "And you didn't hear the red alert go off?"

"What alert?" Now Rimmer lifted his head and looked at Lister, who was still standing in the doorway.

"The bloody red alert, which bloody tells you that we're in bloody trouble. That ion storm just now almost turned us into mashed potatoes." Lister strode past Rimmer to the fridge, yanked it open and got out a can of lager.

"Oh, that red alert." Rimmer tried to sound casual, although he hadn't really been aware of any red alert situation. "I knew you'd be able to handle it without me." And he returned his gaze back to his book. He made a mental note to be more careful the next time.

"Tha's no' the point y'know. Of course we can 'andle it. The point is, red alert means all 'ands on deck, right?" Lister opened his beer and crashed down on his bed. Rimmer was really the most irritating smeghead he'd ever met.

Only last night he'd thought that maybe, just maybe, they were slowly starting to get along better. He'd made a round of Popcorn and just the two of them had sat down on Rimmer's bunk, watching an old movie from the databank. They had almost choked with laughter at the sight of the old-fashioned stop-motion animatronics and the bare-chested heroes, swinging their swords at the air in front of them, pretending to be under attack. For two hours life had felt good. It had felt good to be around each other. During the laughter their shoulders would sometimes touch. At first, Lister hadn't thought much about them sitting so close, but as the evening wore on, he became more and more aware of it. Sometimes Rimmer would turn his head to look at him and they would start laughing simultaneously, their eyes alight with mirth. And when finally the hero freed the damsel in distress from her perch on a high ridge above the sea and they shared a long passionate kiss, the air in the room seemed to get quite difficult to breathe. Lister thought he could feel Rimmer's body tense. He was certainly feeling slightly uncomfortable himself. Not because he generally had trouble watching love scenes with others present, but because he realised, there was certainly some kissing of his own he'd like to be doing right now. To break this dangerous chain of thought, he jumped up quickly, even before the end credits were through, and clapped his hands once.

"Brilliant. Why did they ever stop making these?" And he quickly walked over to the fridge, pretending to search for another can of beer. This had at least helped to break the tension a little bit and allowed them to pretend that there hadn't even been any.

Later on, they had been lying in their separate bunks, talking to each other about this and that. Mainly sharing their thoughts on what they would do, if they ever made it back to Earth. Then the conversation had started to slow and they had fallen asleep one after the other. Lister's last thought had been that, with evenings like this, getting back to Earth seemed utterly pointless.

But right now Rimmer was as pleasant as an itchy verruca and he couldn't believe that not twenty-four hours ago he'd been wanting … well, what exactly he'd been wanting, he didn't quite dare to think about. He could vaguely see his feelings, as if he was looking through a waterfall. There were shapes and colours all blurred together, but to pinpoint exactly what they were, he'd have to reach through the water and part it with his hands, creating a small gap. And he wasn't sure he was ready to do that just yet.

XXX

"Kryten." Lister sounded part edgy, part weary, sitting behind the controls in the cockpit. "Where's Rimmer?" This time, there was no ion storm, no attack, no alien spaceship. This time, it was just a question of Rimmer not turning up for his late-night shift at the helm. Lister had already been waiting twenty minutes for him to show, but now he was getting really tired and wanted to get to bed.

"I don't know, sir. I haven't seen him since dinner." Kryten was busy folding bed sheets in the ops room. "Of course, I could do the shift, so you could go to bed, sir."

"Thanks Kryten, but that's not the point. He 'asn't turned up for his shift three times this week and remember the ion storm? He didn't even know there'd been a red alert."

'Where does he get to?' Lister thought. 'And what does he do when he gets there?' Starbug wasn't very big and Lister systematically checked the ship from top to bottom. Already dismissing the option in his head, he intended to walk right past the AR simulation suite, when he saw that lights were blinking from one of the consoles. Someone had switched the AR machine on. Rimmer. It had to be. Carefully Lister entered the room. He knew that if Rimmer really was on the machine, he wouldn't notice him come in. In fact he wouldn't notice anything much. Not even a red alert. This was it, wasn't it? Rimmer must have been on AR during the alert. And now he'd missed the beginning of his shift, because he was playing some simulation game. Probably Napoeon marching into Belgium or something. He walked up to the small platform, where Rimmer was standing with the headpiece over his eyes and all the cables plugged in.

'Alright, let's see what you're up to, shall we?' Lister went over to the blinking console and checked the game that was running right now. Red Dwarf? There was a Red Dwarf game? And why would Rimmer want to play at being back on the Dwarf? What was the point? Unless he'd made himself Captain and was now commandeering the ship. But then why didn't he make himself Captain of a heroic new prototype spaceship, with which the crew discovered unchartered space and saved civilisatons? Why a mining ship? Lister's fingers were itching. What if he just slapped on one of the other headsets and took a quick goosey? Before he really had time to think this through, he was hooking himself up to the machine and snapped the eyepiece into place.

Suddenly he found himself back on Red Dwarf. It was exactly as he remembered it. Even the smell of disinfectant and WD 40 was achingly familiar. The corridor in front of him was empty. And he could not hear any noises. Was the crew even included in this game? He hadn't bothered to check the character list, before going in. Well, he'd just have to find out. The corridor looked like all the other corridors on the Dwarf, but to Lister it was utterly familiar. It was the corridor that lead right to their quarters. His and Rimmer's. His heart tripped and stumbled slightly at the thought. Carefully he made his way up to the well-known door. It stood open. There probably had been no need to close it for privacy, since no-one else seemed to be aboard. He didn't know what to expect when he crossed the threshold, but he decided to just go for it. Taking a last deep breath, he went through the door.

His eyes fell on Rimmer, lying in his bunk, his eyes closed, the bedsheets covering most of his lower body, except for an naked leg. His upper body was bare, too and his hands were folded behind his head. Lister stopped abruptly, catching his foot on the floor. The noise made Rimmer aware that somebody had come in. He opened his eyes and they stared at each other utterly perplexed.

"What …?" Lister didn't get any further. The door to the shower room opened and he saw himself enter the room with only a towel wrapped around the waist.

"What the …?" Again he didn't get any further because a loud noise made him jump. Rimmer had clapped his hands and immediately vanished from the scene.

"What the smeg is going on?" He wasn't really asking the Lister now standing almost naked opposite him, but himself. Then he realised he had to get out of the game as well, if he was to catch Rimmer before he could scarper. He clapped his hands and ripped off the headpiece. Rimmer was standing in front of him struggling with the cables plugged into the groinal attachment. They stared at each other in shock. Lister regained the power of speech first.

"You're late for your shift, y'know." And with that he turned on his heels and walked out. Once in the corridor he stopped and leaned against the wall. What the smeg was that about? It had truly looked as if Rimmer had been playing a computer simulation game, in which they were the only two players and clothes seemed to be optional. But could that be right? Or had he mistaken the scene? Was Rimmer in love with him? Or was the game just a way to let off steam? But then he could have created a game with him and Yvonne McGruder or someone. But it seemed as if Rimmer had been playing a simulation with the two of them and from what he'd seen it had looked as if he had caught them … well, there was no other word for it … post-coital. Lister shook his head and walked back to their quarters. Rimmer would have to return to their room sometime in the near future and then they could talk things over. Although he wasn't quite sure how that could possibly be done.

'So, Rimmer, since you've bin 'avin' sex with me in AR, you wanna try it for real?' Lister shook his head. This was ridiculous. There was, however, no doubt in his mind that seeing Rimmer almost naked in bed and himself coming out of the shower, had started a fire in his belly that seemed to be spreading across his entire body. From where he was standing, there shouldn't be any trouble repeating that scene in real life. He turned the corner into their quarters still trying to work out what to say to Rimmer when he got back.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

Kryten came by ten minutes later, letting him know that Rimmer had turned up for his shift and he could go to bed now. Lister just nodded and fell asleep in his clothes. He didn't hear Rimmer come in, but when he woke up in the morning he looked down from his bunk and saw him lying there, also in his clothes, fast asleep. His lips stood slightly apart, so that Lister could catch a glimpse of the teeth behind them. Sometime soon Rimmer would wake up and then they would have to face each other. Lister closed his eyes again and leaned back. The scene from the simulation game kept replaying itself in his mind. Rimmer in bed with only the sheets covering him and he himself entering from the shower room. Could he be misreading this? Lister gave an involuntary snort. The scene was damn clear and he knew it. So basically this meant that Rimmer had been spending a lot of his time over the past weeks in this game. Neglecting his duties and ignoring dangers. Things really couldn't be any less ambivalent. Lister flipped his bedsheets off and climbed down the ladder from his bunk. This day was going to be interesting.

When he reached the floor, Lister glanced at Rimmer lying in his bunk. While he'd been busy contemplating what this all meant, Rimmer had apparently used the moment to turn his body to face the wall and was now curled up tightly, most likely pretending to still be asleep. Well, Lister thought, he'd have to get up sometime today. He noisily made himself breakfast, clanging about with the pots and pans, whistling tunelessly, something that usually drove Rimmer nuts. From time to time he checked Rimmer's position on the bed, but there seemed to be no movement at all. When Lister'd had breakfast, he decided to wake his roommate up and get them talking about yesterday. It wasn't really that he knew how to start, but that had never stopped him before. Things seemed easy enough. Rimmer wanted to be with him and he – well, last night he'd finally passed through the waterfall. His insides were crawling with insects, burning like they did after a really good vindaloo.

"Y'know," he started loudly, "at least you could've made me look better. More muscles, less flab, y'know. And why not get rid of the stuff you don't even like about me, like me locks?" Lister stopped to allow for Rimmer to react, but there was still no movement from the bed. This was getting really stupid. Rimmer couldn't pretend to be asleep all day.

"I know you're awake, man. C'mon, talk to me." This last bit came out a bit more pleadingly than he'd intended. Now Rimmer appeared to be moving. It looked almost as if he was burrowing into himself.

"No, don't …" But it was too late, Rimmer had switched off his own hard-light drive. Lister knew that Rimmer never ever switched himself off voluntarily. This was not good.

"Morning Mr. Lister, sir? Did you sleep well?" Kryten bumbled into the room with a basket full of ironed and folded laundry. Lister was still staring at the bed in shock.

"Something wrong?" Kryten now followed his gaze, but couldn't quite make out what Lister was staring at. There was nothing there, except …

"Mr. Rimmer's lightbee. Is there something the matter with it?" Kryten sounded a little worried, but since it was only Mr. Rimmer, he wasn't overly concerned.

"He …" Lister still had trouble processing what had just happened. "He just switched himself off." And he pointed at the now almost empty bed.

"Why would he do that?" Kryten looked puzzled. He also noticed that Lister seemed to be blushing slightly at the question.

"I dunno!" And Lister emphasised this by pointing a finger at his own chest. "You think he can switch himself back on?"

"No, that is impossible, sir. We would have to do that for him. Did he say when he'd like to be switched back on?" Kryten picked up the small lightbee and turned it around in his hand.

"No' really, no." Lister got up and took the lightbee from Kryten, placing it on the palm of his hand. It looked so small and vulnerable. He knew he could crush it, if he placed it on the floor and stepped on it. This was supposed to be Rimmer? Rimmer, whose ears blushed whenever he was embarassed. Who sometimes snorted when he laughed? Rimmer who had been desperate enough to design a computer game, to be able to make love to him. A mere hologrammatic simulation? No, Lister shook his head involuntarily, Rimmer was more than that. He was a human being with feelings and most of all he was his friend. Possibly even more.

"Kryten, how do I switch him back on? And can we override his shutdown option, so that he can't switch himself back off again?"

He had made the decision. He was going to switch Rimmer back on and tell him straightaway. Kryten looked at him with slight amusement.

"Well, the remote control for the lightbee should be in Mr. Rimmer's cupboard and to prevent Mr. Rimmer from switching himself off again, I suggest you hold on to his wrists as soon as he rematerialises." Lister had already been making his way to the cupboard but stopped and turned to look at Kryten.

"Seriously? That's the only option?"

"I'm afraid so, sir."

"Erm, Kryten, could you give us a bit, y'know, a bit of private time? And make sure Cat's not gonna barge in. I think we 'ave to sort some stuff out." And with this he opened the cupboard door in search of the remote control and so that Kryten wouldn't see him blush again.

"I'll … I'll do my … best." There was a small clearing of the throat attached to this comment and Lister knew very well Kryten had no need of clearing his throat. He turned again with a questioning look on his face.

"I know, it's none of my business, but may I say that I think Mr. Rimmer is a snivelly, cowardly, weaselly maggot of a man and you deserve better." And with this he grabbed the unemptied washing basket, clamped it under his arm and left the room.

'What the smeg?' But Lister wasn't in the mood to bother with this comment now. If Kryten knew about what was going on, then he should have either said something plainly or shut up about it. Finally he located the remote control for Rimmer's lightbee. He placed the small metal cylinder on the floor and pointed the remote at it. Against Kryten's suggestion, he wasn't going to hold onto Rimmer's wrists as soon as he was switched back on. He held his breath and pushed the button.

XXX

Rimmer stood in the middle of the room looking around himself surprised. Whenever he'd been switched off and then back on, it always took him a few moments to get used to where he was and what was happening. Then his eyes fell on Lister who was standing in front of him and everything came flooding back. Lister had caught him on the AR machine. Lister was going to strangle him and then never talk to him again.

"Welcome back online." Lister tried to smile through his nervousness.

Rimmer looked his own body up and down. He never trusted the lightbee to put all his parts back into the correct order. Wait, was Lister smiling at him? Was this the AR game?

"Okay, now, what the smeg was all that about?" Lister's voice was stern, but not angry.

Rimmer simply stared at him in shock.

"C'mon, talk to me. Why the AR?" He didn't want to push Rimmer too hard, but couldn't help wanting him to admit it, instead of backing out again.

Rimmer slumped down onto the chair behind him. His face was tinted with utter despair.

"I - don't know."

"You don't know? What, you don't know why you created a computer game just to have sex with me?" This was a bit blunt, but hopefully it would have the desired effect.

"It wasn't like that!" Rimmer looked up at Lister in complete horror.

"What was it like then? Tell me!" Lister pushed.

"It was … I … I'm … I just wanted …" He couldn't bring himself to say it. He couldn't possibly say it. Why did Lister even want to hear it? He'd laugh at him anyway. Rimmer hid his face in his hands. Lister decided to change tack.

"You wanted … to spend time with me?"

Rimmer took his hands off his face, leaned his elbows onto his knees and looked down at the floor. Slowly, very slowly he nodded once.

"Naked?" At this Rimmer didn't nod, but simply tried to hide, by placing his hands over his head.

"And you thought I didn't wanna spend time with you?" This received another nod.

"And you do realise that we're still sharing our quarters and that we see each other, like, twelve out of twenty-four hours – every day – out of every month – out of every year?" At this, Lister had to shake his head a bit himself, because even to him this sounded insane.

Rimmer ran his hands through his hair, messing it up.

"I know." It sounded a bit impatient and disbelieving at the same time.

"So why didn't you tell me?" They were getting down to the nub of the matter now.

"I couldn't – can't …" Rimmer groaned in frustration.

"Then show me." Lister reached out a hand to his friend. Rimmer looked at it shocked. Then, slowly, very slowly, he lifted his fingers to meet it. They stayed like this for close on a minute, just looking at each other, feeling each other's touch. Then Lister pulled at the hand and Rimmer got up from the chair without breaking eye contact. Lister's hand went up to meet Rimmer's cheek and he leaned in to place a gentle kiss on his friend's lips. He could feel Rimmer shiver slightly. So this was obviously still kicking, even though Rimmer must have kissed him loads of times in AR. Maybe it was better in real life. Lister decided that he'd ask Rimmer about that later and started pushing him towards the bunk.


End file.
